Self Maid

I discovered something about myself yesterday (with the help of my psychologist) that took years to put into words: I have very high internal self-esteem but, often, low external self-esteem.

Internally, I know who I am. I like myself. I trust my values and my sense of right and wrong. I believe I am capable, kind, thoughtful, and deserving of love. That’s my inner foundation, and it’s strong. But when I step into certain social settings, especially ones where I feel I am being watched or judged, that inner confidence doesn’t always translate. I don’t crumble, but I do become hyper-aware and struggle to express myself naturally.

It’s strange to come to terms with this because I am not someone who sees themselves as seeking approval. I don’t expect people to love me, and honestly, I don’t think anyone (other than my parents) ever could love me as much as I love myself. And despite how that sounds, please don’t read it as arrogance; it’s simply a recognition of how deep my self-understanding runs. I know the full picture of who I am–my intentions, my history, my heart–and no one else ever will.

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m claiming to be immune to social pressures concerning “image”. Despite being raised to love my external appearance and not care about keeping up with the Joneses, the world keeps pushing its expectations on how you’re “supposed” to look, behave, or perform in public. I find myself exhausted by this tension and constantly fighting the internalization of these standards. I was nurtured with unconditional support, encouragement, and the confidence to trust myself, so it’s frustrating that society–namely social media influenced society–keeps trying to make me feel “less than” simply for not conforming to its ideals or for resisting its attempts to shape the way I think of myself.

I realized recently, while looking out my living room window onto the busy street below, that this internalization manifests in strange ways: I sometimes catch myself using people as mirrors. What I mean by this is that their presence becomes a kind of reflection. Not of how they see me, but of how I see myself. When I am around others, I imagine them holding the same standards I hold for myself, and I silently ask, “Am I living up to my own expectations right now?” It’s less about their judgment and more about me projecting my inner critic onto them.

This ties into my perfectionism. I have incredibly high standards, not just for what I do, but for who I am, how I think, and what I know. I want to embody the best version of myself at all times. And when I feel eyes on me, I start evaluating whether I am matching that image. The discomfort doesn’t come from a fear of rejection; it comes from a fear of falling short of my own ideal.

So yes, I have high internal self-esteem, but I am still learning how to let that inner steadiness stay with me even when the spotlight turns on. My next step is learning how to be fully at ease in front of others and to feel okay in the discomfort until that day comes.